Dear Senator McCain,

I want to first say thank you for your service during the Vietnam War. As a POW, you deserve double-praise for your steadfast loyalty and devotion to the safety and security of the American nation and its people. For this alone, I would take you to dinner at St Elmo’s Steak House, reputedly the best steakhouse in the state of Indiana.

I know however you are a busy man and probably would not be able to take me up on such an offer. Your ambition of becoming the 44th President of the United States is understandably time-intensive. I will not burden you with any further sentimentalities. That’s not my reason for writing this letter to you.

I am writing to tell you that I would like to vote for you. I’d like to do so very much as a matter of fact. There are some problems though. You see Senator, I have a couple monkeys on my back- gorillas really. I’m a little mad at you as a matter of fact.

I am deeply concerned with your stance on border security. Regardless of what you called your proposal that was subsequently rejected, its a bit hard to swallow. Sure, I am down with the part about deporting illegal aliens back to Mexico. If someone breaks into my house, I certainly expect the police to remove these offenders from my home and send them… well elsewhere. Your proposal took one step forward and then one step back by allowing these individuals to have a chance to come back and possibly become citizens.

“Sure officer, this guy who came in my patio door has to leave, but he can come back tomorrow if he knocks and asks nicely.”

I understand the argument about illegal immigrants “doing the jobs Americans won’t do.” I also agree that it is mostly true. Does our laziness therefore justify the criminality of others? If nothing else, it should further prove that illegal aliens have no moral scruples with taking advantage of us and our broken system.

Furthermore, as I was driving to visit a dear departed loved one in the cemetery this Memorial Day, I happened to be listening to NPR. One of their stories was on college kids who were having difficulty finding work during the summer. While yard work and picking lettuce doesn’t pay much, having any job is better than no job at all when you are in college and broke. (Minimum wage will buy a lot of Ramen noodles, which are a staple for the broke college student.) 

So my question is, if we have so many college students finding summer work, why are we importing illiterate and undocumented employees to do agricultural work?

My next issue with your campaign is regarding the “Straight Talk Express.” I like the sound of it. I wish I had come up with that title actually and had copyrighted it. I could have sold a lot of T-shirts with “Straight Talk Express” on it. I just wanted to ask if the Straight Talk Express could run a little bit straighter and a little bit more consistently.

I’ve read up on some issues you have flip-flopped on, particularly the abortion debate. I believe a person can genuinely have a change of heart on the matter, and if you genuinely believe in the right of an unborn child to live, I congratulate you heartily. On the other hand, if you are just saying what the pro-life constituency wants to hear, I do take issue with that.

Withthat said, I just want to let you know that I’ll be watching what you say in regards to the issues during the next few months. We don’t have to agree on everything and I don’t expect we will. I would like to lend my support to you and endorse you to my friends, coworkers, and peers. That will only happen if you make sure the Straight Talk Express behaves a little more consistently with traditional paleoconservative beliefs.

Kindest regards,

Kenneth C. Vendler
Bright, IN